TRY - Silence
During long road trips when we voiced minor complaints, my Dad would say, "suffer in silence".
When we negotiate we can get anxious[1], especially when the stakes are high. But when the stakes are high, we need to pull out all the stops because we receive only a few opportunities. That is why practicing tactics like silence is imperative to add to your everyday negotiation tool belt. Practicing silence means to lay out your plan, your position or your offer and then stop, giving time for the other person to respond. It allows the other party to catch up and it helps you to gain perspective on their position to how the conversation will go. And sometimes, when you keep talking you go into too much detail or you touch on an area that they had not considered but helps their response which softens your position. Thinking about pacing and really listening to the other side is important. But, you must always keep your own interests in the forefront of your mind.
I remember hearing, "the first person to talk loses". I thought it was a saying but when I tried it in practice I found it does have a magical effect that leads to tangible results.
Especially when you have to take a position that you KNOW the other side won't appreciate. Like when you throw out an ask that is beyond what they believe is reasonable. Of course you need to position, frame[2] and create the right timing but once you have made your statement, just stop. Even if they don't say anything, your uncomfortable or you are afraid of their reaction, wait. And when it feels like too much time has gone by, don't say anything until THEY break the silence.
What happens is that they need the time to process your ask. You have been living in the details of the pitch for week but this is new to them. And when you keep talking, you tend to soften your position which allows them to have a stronger point of leverage.
But remember you may be nervous and when you are, continuing to talk just happens. You may feel like you are making a new point but could bring you back to another and you begin circling[3]. In order to practice silence at the right moment, you must practice your pitch with the silence scheduled within.
When you try this in a safe place, you can see the power and recognize how you can make it work for you.
A woman in my session once come back after a break when she took a conf call where she was the team lead. She said in the past she would read-out each of the deliverables and basically volunteer for everything. She said just taking a moment and practicing silence shifted the ownership and she walked away with NO to-dos! She was elated!
Start today, in a conversation with your partner, a discussion with your peer at work or when asking for discount with a manager at a store. Exploring in these environments will drive comfort and will show you how the conversation pivots so that you can get comfortable so that you can use it more regularly toward higher risk negotiations.
When you have completed your ask / offer:
- Bite your tongue and think, "the last person to talk loses"
- If on a phone - press MUTE
- Practice where you will stop and when you get there, think about giving them time
- Stop and count to 30
- Slow down your thinking and honor the pause
Practicing Silence - A Story
It wouldn't be an easy discussion. We were approaching our long-term customer about renewing their contract. We wanted $8.3M and they saw no value in the platform anymore. I knew there was no value from there perspective but we needed to anchor[4] the negotiation at what we wanted the market to pay and we had future leverage because our corporate office had an upcoming negotiation with a ton more leverage than us. So I practiced, I gave the pitch to myself hundreds of times in the mirror while washing my face, in the car as I made my way to work and in my power suit[5] in front of the hotel full-length mirror. I needed to practice so my pitch sounded confident especially when I got to the line, "and all of this value for eight point three million dollars annually". I practiced slowly and needed to hear myself say - eight point three million at least 200 hundred times so it became common place.
So we went in, my boss was there but didn't want to have anything to do with the pitch (really!!). The meeting was in a posh Manhattan office boardroom[6] and our client who was the decision maker brought her boss and the CFO, fashionably late giving me a shaved 50 mins from the original hour meeting.
I started and could hear my nervousness in my vibrato but since I had practiced, I focused on the cadence and the words without thinking about the message.
All the way through until the final sentence. I paused and then confidently said, "and all of this value for EIGHT POINT THREE MILLION dollars annually". I stopped and started saying to myself, don't be the one that loses, don't be the first person to speak. The first person who speaks loses.....
It felt like years. I mean it, it wasn't easy.
When my client finally responded it wasn't pleasant. She said, "Are you serious? There is no value in these services to us." I remained quiet and waited. She was expecting me to agree with her. We just looked at each other. I so wanted to tell her I agreed and the number was WAY out of sync with the value they deserve but I was playing my role. After the shock and frustration calmed, they said they would think about it. Suddenly they seemed to be human again and she thanked me for making the trip. It was like she acknowledged the barrier between us as players for our companies but we respected each other as individuals.
That was the most difficult discussion ever to deliver a number to the client that seemed out of reach. But, it was strategic as our corporate office used the $8.3M as an anchor to give them a chip of value within their ENORMOUS deal. Had I given them any less they wouldn't have had a strong chip to help in their larger, more complex negotiation.
Had I cracked and broke the silence, we would have tanked the strategy. For me, practicing silence is not as big of a challenge after such a battle!
It took courage and still does, but practice makes it easier each time.
When anxiety and negotiating for salary, use these 5 steps.
1. Define your range and feel comfortable with the top and bottom (when you will walk away)
2. Identify your need. What do you need and what do you want. This can be based on your current level of living and where you want to be.
3. Justify your request. Knowing that you deserve it is important but why the company should value you is the important aspect to frame in the discussion. Get comfortable with it.
4. Know when to ask for more. If they have not given what you want, work with them to see how you can expand the pie.
5. Know when to take the offer.
Here is the article for more context.
https://www.glassdoor.com/blog/5-ways-to-eliminate-salary-negotiation-anxiety/
Creating the story for your position in a way that the other side can understand and have compassion.
Anchoring is an attempt to establish a reference point (anchor) around which a negotiation will revolve and will often use this reference point to make negotiation adjustments. Anchoring often occurs when the first offer is presented at the beginning of a negotiation.
